Unless I find Goliath, that loveable but extremely poorly animated pooch from the old show, Davey & Goliath, I have questions about even my own dogs that will forever remain shrouded in mystery.
Sometimes things come at you when you least expect them. I was out back with my three dogs (two Dachschunds and a Rhodesian Ridgeback/Chow mix), and they were happily prancing around the backyard peeing on one another's previous pee spots. (Just one thing I have always been curious about). But another thought occurred to me while I was lazily watching them, especially concerning the Dachschunds. My backyard is about two thirds of an acre which, to you and I may seem small, but to a really small weener-dog, it must look like Rhode Island, and I was thinking, "How can they traverse an entire state, albeit small, and still have pee to yield"? Hell, I can blast right through both Maryland and Delaware without the RS (Rest Stop) thought ever crossing my mind, but I am usually travelling much faster than even Malibu (the younger Dachschund), who moves faster than physics allow for a dog a mere 6 inches above sea level.
The three of them patrolled the entire state of Rhode Island and found exactly where the other two had peed, and then mustered enough urine from wherever it could possibly have come to "stamp out" the two who came before them. Since I was bored, which is precisely why I was sitting there idly watching this bizarre spectacle in the first place, I started dreaming up an Interview With a Dog. I've got questions, dammit.
I really want to know, first and foremost, why dogs feel the need to pee on plastic, wherever they may find it. I have a chiminea that I cover with a giant plastic bag to keep it from the rain, and where do you think the little buggers pee? I mean, with Rhode Island stretched out before them, they pee in the driveway?
Then I need to know why they must pee on the other dogs' pee. It's not like it's an accident. I sat there and watched the Columbo routine unfold before my eyes. They are seeking out the spots! Call me kooky, but I think I saw the Papa Dachschund smoking a cigar and scratching his eyebrow. Maybe I just need sleep.
Any three of my dogs will bark like they intend to kill when they hear the slightest noise...but when they're either peeing or pooping, they react as though they were shot if a neighbor-kid's balloon pops.
Why, Fido, oh why do you consider cat feces a delicacy?
And why do you love me so much that you feel the need to kiss me right after a feast?? And then you wonder why I feed you late? It's because I've been hugging the porcelain throne.
I have so many questions that Davey never asked when given the chance. That little SOB!
-Woody
Thursday, July 3, 2008
A Dog's Life And The Answers We'll Never Get
Another Glorious Day Free Of Caesar
Tomorrow is Independence Day, commemorating the day that a new nation on the Earth embarked on a journey that would change the world. A big nation with a tiny population, and much turmoil ahead, unbeknownst at the time. The day has deep meaning for Americans while other nations care little of it, despite the impact it has had on their lives, as well. And the turmoil we have endured, I might add, would have torn most fledgling nations asunder, but our fabric has proven too strong, to date.
Prior to the Declaration of Independence, written by Thomas Jefferson, there had been other nations and kingdoms of the Earth who may have achieved civilization much earlier than did we, but those civilizations were nonetheless governed by a ruler; a king or some other form of benevolent monarchy for the fortunate, or a despot or tyrant for the less fortunate.
We modelled our form of government loosely after ancient Rome, with a senate to legislate, but that system would have been worthless had the Founders not had the foresight to limit the powers of the Executive Branch. What good is a senate if it's terrified of a Caesar?
With this in mind, July 4th is about more than our own independence from England. It is about the brilliance of those who secured it and what they have created here, that being, a nation whose chronological mark is but a fraction of recorded history while simultaneously being a model for freedom-loving people everywhere.
With tomorrow so close, I will leave this alone, as I have more to say regarding the stewardship, or lack thereof, that our countrymen have demonstrated in the short time we have been the beneficiaries of this great land. So enjoy yourselves tomorrow and try to reflect on what we truly have here. Perhaps, after said reflection, some will realize that it is much too precious to let slip away.
Happy 4th Of July.
-Woody
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Thrust Into The Matrix
As a boy and then as a young man, I was full of ideas and ideology. I knew what I knew, and I knew it was right. At least I was 99% sure of it, but there was always that 1% wiggle room that would cause me to consider (albeit briefly, depending on the strength of the argument) an alternative version of what I knew to be the truth. There was a time when I would listen and then decide the veracity of what I'd just heard, or read, as the case may have been.
As I got older, I held fast to those beliefs and subsequently bolstered them with what I was convinced was an inate ability to persuade others through pure reason. In other words, I felt that there were others who were much less anchored than I was in my core beliefs, perhaps through apathy, and if only I could use the right language and tone, they would have no choice but to see my side of an argument or maybe understand it. Prior to the internet age, it was a fairly successful endeavor. As Viki from I, Robot would say, my logic was infallible.
Now, as a post-quadrigenarian who has seen what instant information inflicts on the populace, I am more convinced than ever that we have been thrust into something resembling The Matrix, another imaginary conjuring of some author and a follow-up from Hollywood. We are all "experts" on everything now, and our alleged convictions are cemented in an equally alleged certainty that the sources we choose for our information are infallible. The result is that future debate is reduced to a primal contest over where we "learned" what we claim. Logic and reason become sad casualties in this war.
Forgive me for this self-indulgent lamentation, but I feel that I have been obsoleted. I feel that I am fighting a "war" with vastly out-classed weapons. Mine were effective once, but are no match for the new ones, which are much more efficient acumen-killing machines, but ones that require much less skill to accomplish the goal. More fire power, less thinking. "My source is better than your source". And so it goes, while ideas are more and more sequestered, with no chance for any modicum of reconciliation.
For the record, I know with 100% certainty that these words will be assailed by my detractors as a "shield from hard facts". They will have missed the entire truth of this exercise, predictably. They will shun me and plug back into the machine, as I sadly shake my head.
-Woody
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