Thursday, July 3, 2008

A Dog's Life And The Answers We'll Never Get

Unless I find Goliath, that loveable but extremely poorly animated pooch from the old show, Davey & Goliath, I have questions about even my own dogs that will forever remain shrouded in mystery.

Sometimes things come at you when you least expect them. I was out back with my three dogs (two Dachschunds and a Rhodesian Ridgeback/Chow mix), and they were happily prancing around the backyard peeing on one another's previous pee spots. (Just one thing I have always been curious about). But another thought occurred to me while I was lazily watching them, especially concerning the Dachschunds. My backyard is about two thirds of an acre which, to you and I may seem small, but to a really small weener-dog, it must look like Rhode Island, and I was thinking, "How can they traverse an entire state, albeit small, and still have pee to yield"? Hell, I can blast right through both Maryland and Delaware without the RS (Rest Stop) thought ever crossing my mind, but I am usually travelling much faster than even Malibu (the younger Dachschund), who moves faster than physics allow for a dog a mere 6 inches above sea level.

The three of them patrolled the entire state of Rhode Island and found exactly where the other two had peed, and then mustered enough urine from wherever it could possibly have come to "stamp out" the two who came before them. Since I was bored, which is precisely why I was sitting there idly watching this bizarre spectacle in the first place, I started dreaming up an Interview With a Dog. I've got questions, dammit.

I really want to know, first and foremost, why dogs feel the need to pee on plastic, wherever they may find it. I have a chiminea that I cover with a giant plastic bag to keep it from the rain, and where do you think the little buggers pee? I mean, with Rhode Island stretched out before them, they pee in the driveway?

Then I need to know why they must pee on the other dogs' pee. It's not like it's an accident. I sat there and watched the Columbo routine unfold before my eyes. They are seeking out the spots! Call me kooky, but I think I saw the Papa Dachschund smoking a cigar and scratching his eyebrow. Maybe I just need sleep.
Any three of my dogs will bark like they intend to kill when they hear the slightest noise...but when they're either peeing or pooping, they react as though they were shot if a neighbor-kid's balloon pops.

Why, Fido, oh why do you consider cat feces a delicacy?

And why do you love me so much that you feel the need to kiss me right after a feast?? And then you wonder why I feed you late? It's because I've been hugging the porcelain throne.

I have so many questions that Davey never asked when given the chance. That little SOB!


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Woody, in response to your queries concerning dogs, my master has asked me to provide a certain level of insight into the ways and means of the canine. My name is Germania Upillio but my master just calls me Lady.

First of all the pee. This has always been primarily a male canine bone of contention. However, many females have also taken up this responsibility as I myself can arf. Oops, attest. I meant to say attest. The peeing, as you so humanly put it, is a way for wee canines to sign a petition. We may be petitioning for various reasons. Quite often the reason is as meaningless as your human tendency to use foul smelling products all over and throughout our indoor environment. As many a canine can testify that you humans seem to get very upset when we attempt to correct your indoor mistakes indoors by applying our own brands over your own. Outdoors, we sometimes multiply the freshness by applying many layers to our "spots" as you say it.

I would also like to add a comment concerning what you humans call "butt sniffing". There is no real reason for butt sniffing that can not be explained by your human expression "you scratch my back and I will scratch yours." Simply stated, it feels good. Has anyone offered to sniff your butt today? Many canines offer to do this to humans and there seems to be many reports of some hesitation and even the occasional smell of fear.

Plastic smells bad and we try to cover that odor with something more acceptable. Pee. I might try to explain how we canines can detect odors and what it might be like to a human if you had this ability, which judging by the stench in your homes, you obviously do not. We canines also have super hearing as well as smell. Taste being a function of smell also ties in here. The cat poo is a delicacy. It is the next best thing to actually eating a cat. Unless you have either dined at an authentic Chinese restaurant or have literally taken it upon yourself to eat a cat outright, you can never possibly imagine what you are missing. Cat poo is delicious. Your loving canine friend kisses you after eating this treat in an attempt to enlighten you.

But as for sound, try to imagine being at a Who concert 24/7. This brings me to the popping balloon comment. It's loud. It sounds like the nuclear tests conducted in the Nevada desert in the 1950's. Especially when a canine is deep in thought as we usually are when we are conducting business. Our long history with humans has taught us to be very careful where we conduct our best business as it seems to be a highly volatile concern to you humans exactly where we do this. Some of the other concerns during business hours, the actual laying down of business, is whether the place chosen will draw the wrath of the human female. Questions such as "have I eaten any crayons or aluminum foil lately?" come to mind at this quiet moment also. "Is there any fresh cat poo nearby?" is another. Then, BANG!!! A balloon pops at the next door neighbor's birthday party. I am not a happy puppy.

I do hope I have been able to answer some of your most basic questions concerning canines and our seemingly unusual habits that you humans find both silly and/or repulsive.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope it helps you to better understand your loving canine friends.

Canine superious